@TheAlexNevil

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

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@ThugRaccoons

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

@david8hughes

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

@dhumann

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

@elliemce

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

@lizetagge

Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store…

@sophielou

Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.

@omgshuddup

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

@nickturani

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

@Cycloptomese

Professor X: What’s your power?

Me: I can turn ice into cats.

Professor X: That’s ridiculous.

Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!

Me: I got this!

Polecats: Sonofa…

@ArfMeasures

“My friend got me a Fitbit”
ME: Oh yeh, heard of them, haven’t got one tho
“u can buy them online”
ME [whispering] u can buy friends online?