Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
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Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.