Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.

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Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.


Kidnapping is such a strong word. I prefer the term, “surprise adoption”.


*checks the hip hop section*

Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.


So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.


Being popular on Twitter is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at a mental hospital.


Me: I don’t feel like driving home.

5: I’ll drive.

Me: You’re not old enough yet.

5: and my feet won’t reach the pedals.

Me: And that.


Just remembered that time on here that a British person complained about how all other countries have an independence day and the United Kingdom doesn’t


I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.


pixar ceo: remember guys, we work as a team. there is no “i” in pixar

employee: yes there is

pixar ceo: no there isn’t

employee: *writes the word Pixar on a piece of paper and hands it to the ceo*

pixar ceo: Oh my god.

employee: yea-

pixar ceo: murder it with a lamp


Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.