Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
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Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Expect the unexporcupine.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”