@TrueTorontoGirl

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

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@torlangi_danish

Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap

@outsmartedmommy

Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.

@UtilityLimb

some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]

@icrushedmyhalo

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

@c12h22o11balls

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

@Boleyngirly

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

@JasonLastname

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

@Adyaces

Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.

@SarcasticAlly12

My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”

@notacroc

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen