Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

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Parents nowadays are afraid to beat their children meanwhile i remember my mom factory reset me with one slap


Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.


some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]


For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!


Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*



Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.


They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.


Joseph: A crib full of straw? No, I asked to see the MANAGER.


My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”


Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen