Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Me: how are you
Friday: good
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan