Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
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my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what