Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
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CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
The Friday File.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles