Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

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Biden: Eric Trump, you ugly…
Obama: Chill Joe..
Biden: You ya Daddy’s son!
Obama: Ayyyye !


He told me “irregardless” was his least favorite word so I pulled him in close and whispered it in his ear.


My neighbor from New England was complaining about the way people talk here.

At least that’s what I think he said. I didn’t have a translator.


DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.


[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one


ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.

GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.


[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.


Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*