Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
How I like cutting carbs
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car