Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

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I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.


My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”


News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again


Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.


PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now


If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?


America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.


[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.