@JohnFugelsang

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.

@Cheeseboy22

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

@dumbdora77

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

@wickedsuga

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

@tastefactory

PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now

@MrsMikePatton

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?

@ChaseMit

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

@NewDadNotes

[watching Tangled with my Daughter]

Daughter: dada

Me: yes?

Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?

Me: I mean-I do now.