Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
You Might Also Like
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I am, perchance
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
this independent good boy don’t need no human
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it