Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
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A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Go girl power!
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]