Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
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A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
God: all of them
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.