@SexyInsomniac

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

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@JediGigi

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

@BillPelicanBros

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

@BoogTweets

More like “science UN-fair”

*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*

*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon

@super_morgasm

You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.

@bourgeoisalien

I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

@KeetPotato

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

@Kica333

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.