Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
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Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
I’m already scared
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco