Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
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My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.