Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
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My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving