Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
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Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
mood
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.