IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
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Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking