Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
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lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
2 years later
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Don’t tell me what to do
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks