Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
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[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
catch me on valentine’s day like
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
Worst Native American name ever.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.