@serendipitydon1

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

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@Kimpulses

Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

@HeSlimedMeRay

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

@niks27_shah

I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”

@Tommytoughstuff

*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”

@Aikiwomannc

Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?

God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.

Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?

6-year-old: I know all the words.

Me: Good.

6: Just not all the letters in them.

@thepaulasuzanne

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

@rad_milk

uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied

@1MeLrO

It’s not burnt.
It’s carmalized!

Me every time I burn something.

@novicefather

My toddler is learning to speak so I’m trying to teach him some phrases for social success.

Things like “true dat” and “pass the gravy.”