Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
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The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
just got my engagement photos
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.