Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
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How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.