@DiamondLou69

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

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@notviking

me: what your biggest fear?

date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic

me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?

@joeldanger

When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.

@LoneWolfStories

That’s one healthy flower bed you’ve got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there?

-My attempts at small talk.

@Lazer_Cat_

Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.

@AmericanGent69

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

@david8hughes

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

@Try2StopME

99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.

@AJslackie

Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.

@3sunzzz

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

@robdelaney

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.