Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

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me: what your biggest fear?

date: oh i’m incredibly arachnophobic

me: [under breath] you don’t want spiders to get married?


When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.


That’s one healthy flower bed you’ve got blooming in your backyard. How many bodies do you have buried there?

-My attempts at small talk.


Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.


{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco


[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”


99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.


Feed me once shame on you, Feed me twice i’m moving in.


If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.


Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.