Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
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Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them