Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.