Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
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Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.