Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
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[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.