*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
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COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I can’t stop laughing at this
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*