[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”

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[getting carded]

21: awesome bro, I got this

30: seriously? whatever

35: this is really getting old



Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.


I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.


How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face


Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.


” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “


theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.


Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.