@ericsshadow

[is being given CPR by my ex girlfriend] “do you know how many heart attacks I had to fake before they sent you.”

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@portmanteauface

[getting carded]

21: awesome bro, I got this

30: seriously? whatever

35: this is really getting old

40: WILL YOU MARRY ME

@Heather2Go

Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.

@brunopieroni

I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.

@GFGander

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

@UnFitz

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

@zolofighter

” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.

Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “

@MGolicJR57

theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.

findings: I am going to barf very soon.

@jwoodham

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.