Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
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Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
doing your own taxes
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
FINE, I WON’T.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]