fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
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If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Before crowbars crows drank alone
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?