Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
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Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
You’re like if “nope” was a person.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red