Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
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ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
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Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Modded the new Gran Turismo
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”