Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
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one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Happy Febuary everyone!
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.