“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
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I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*