I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
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I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
This will never not be funny to me.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.