@mstluvstrinkets

Is it against the law for postal workers to smile or was it my audacity to mail something?

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@AsgardianRose

Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.

Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.

@daemonic3

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

@LizHackett

Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.

@SortaSarcastic

Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.

@TheBoydP

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

@thedadvocate01

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.

@bobbiejo448

Someone please tell my mother she won’t get a free iPod by clicking the links. She’s convinced I just don’t want to show her how to use it.