@JennyJohnsonHi5

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

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@KateWhineHall

7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]

@dumstupit

i hate small talk. i wanna talk about aliens, the 16 digits on your credit card, the 3 numbers on the back, and the expiration date

@stockejock

When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.

@stockejock

I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.

@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

@yerpalmildsauce

WIFE: How was the first day of space command?
ME: *dejectedly taking off my space suit* I messed up and said “laser beans.”

@KizerBillhelm

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

@NomDeBenoit

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

@pixelatedboat

“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for