@JennyJohnsonHi5

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

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@TrondyNewman

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

@DPRK_News

“Halloween” is barbaric US ritual in which children earn candies by preying on the superstitions and fears of ignorant peasants.

@primawesome

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

@tbhjuststop

using microsoft word

*moves an image 1 mm to the left*

all text and images shift. 4 new pages appear. in the distance, sirens.

@Dawn_M_

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

@WilliamRodgers

Him: So whattayou wanna do?

Her: I dunno

Him: So…You wanna play video games?

Her: No!

Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?

@WheelTod

I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.

@PhilJamesson

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

@tgonefishin

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

@BrassBallsCJ

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*