Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

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All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.


Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude


Russian roulette but it’s just me eating jelly beans without looking at the color first.


Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.


Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*

Wife: So…what do you think?

Me: I asked for an iPhone


In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.


WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*


When my toddlers are teenagers I’m going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I’m thirsty


My twins hate to brush their teeth. So I just convinced them that it’s fun to brush someone else’s teeth. Problem solved.


A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…