Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
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*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
it’s finally my moment to shine
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
peak technology
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail