@kimlockhartga

Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.

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@AndrewNadeau0

Band:Make some noise!
Crowd:WOOO!
Me:THATS SO VAGUE! WHAT KIND OF NOISE?!
B:I cant hear u!
C:WOOO!
M:B/C UR PLAN WAS FLAWED FROM THE START!

@LorieGZ

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

@cat_whisperer_

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

@ExperBadMom

Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.

@gfoster18

Around 70% of the earth is made up of water, and the other 30% is filled with news articles about George Zimmerman

@Underchilde

Wedding rehearsals, because ruining your life takes practice.

@TheTweetOfGod

When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.

@IndecisiveJones

I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.

@envydatropic

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

@TheHyyyype

[high]

ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing

FRIEND: wait, u mean-

ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere