Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
You Might Also Like
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
This cat wants you to take your pills
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
Me in tagged photos
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?