Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
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most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.