is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
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brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant