Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
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If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
My first son he is wonderful
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?