“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
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Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Where’s my employee discount too?
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours