Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
You Might Also Like
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
we’re gonna need another temp
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.