is it earth
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By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
How does one answer this?
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha