Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
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Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs