everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
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Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I have so many questions.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
#catsoftwitter
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Just how popey was the pope today?
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles