[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
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Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
Can’t. About to go please some beans