Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Before marriage: Kisses

After marriage: Hisses

i want the dreams to chase me for once

I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

How’d you get a black eye?

Walked into a door.

[Later, another shiner]

More doors?

*nods*

One does not simply walk into more doors.

Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.

Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

[before humans were invented]

animals: this is nice

To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.

😂🤣😂🤣

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.