Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
You Might Also Like
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
This man is very sweet with me. I’m calling the police
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
another case of gang violins
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.