@chuuew

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

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@QueenBbecT

If you’re under 130 lbs and call yourself fat I’m sending all my actual fat friends to eat you.

@ChicksRule

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

@lucidchemistry

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

@IamJackBoot

There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.

@ibid78

[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah

@Gupton68

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

@devc0ol

Green tea reduces weight*

*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.

@AmishPornStar1

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

@eXentRic_

Excuse me waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?