Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
You Might Also Like
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98