If you’re under 130 lbs and call yourself fat I’m sending all my actual fat friends to eat you.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
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When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
[A snowman sees a sign for a snowblower]
Oh hell yeah
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
Excuse me waiter, I’m in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?