@MartaEffing

Is it possible to divorce someone twice? Not re-marry and divorce again, but divorce twice so you’re completely done. Like, extra divorced.

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@jellybnbonanza

Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”

Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”

@MarisaLange

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

@causticbob

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

@SwirlySkittles

Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.

@Mr_Kapowski

If you encounter another Dad in the wild wearing a #1 Dad shirt, you must fight to the death.

Disneyland has never been so fun

@michamontaz

Christianity: One woman’s lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

@_4kidscrazy

Me: *shakes bosses hand*
Sorry I’m late to the meeting boss.
Boss: No problem, restroom?
Me: Yes, and we’re out of TP and hand soap again.

@hippieswordfish

boy they weren’t kidding about cigarettes being addictive; I can’t stop eating these things!!