It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.