“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.