God has left this place
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Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible